Willow Waiting

I thank God for the little things, especially Willow!

I hit the snooze for the third time--
Like marbles falling on tile, her toenails dance to my side of the bed
Her tail wags her happy body, disconnected at every joint
Reminding me of a promise she assumes I made the night before
When she gets no response, she begins her pinball routine--puts her paws on my bed, rocks it like an earthquake, runs down the hall to the cupboard holding her leash
Back and forth she gallops, thinking I see where she goes
My head burrows into my pillow for one last moment of rest
Just the sound of her toenails guilts me into leaving the warmth of my bed
But it’s her eyes, her trusting eyes, that remind me what love feels like
It feels so good, better than the warmth of my bed or the softness of my pillow
Better than almost anything.

New car and me!

Ashes to Ashes

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the saying goes. I picked up Bill’s ashes today. The receptionist asked if I would like help out to my car because the box was heavy. How heavy could it be? It was a box about the size of three bricks, maybe a little thicker. I evaluated the size of my frame and my ability to hoist a 110-pound dog into the SUV, and decided that, no, I would not be needing assistance. I wondered if they had someone other than the waif behind the counter to help me even if I had needed it. We, meaning my mom-in-law and I, had decided against an urn due to the cost and how ugly they were. They could at least have had something with a bike. Besides, Bill wanted his ashes in Torrey, UT so why spring for an urn that would be useless a year from now? I think he would approve of my thriftiness. Nonetheless, it felt quite mundane to pick up the remains of my beloved in a plastic box. I had prepared myself for an avalanche of emotion. Instead, I walk out the door with a box that weighs about 15 pounds, the same weight as the dumbbell I use for bicep curls, dry-eyed, as if I was picking up dry cleaning. Last time I was there I cried a waterfall. This time it just stayed inside. My greatest fear was that something would happen on the way home and the ashes would disperse all over the new car. I didn't want anything to ruin the new car smell, after all! And can you imagine what would happen if.....I'm sure you can. Anyway, I used extra caution on the road and placed the box on the counter when I got home. As I tried to open the seal of the box, which was sealed quite strongly I might say, I almost dropped it on the floor. In my mind I could see ashes exploding all over and me standing in a cloud of dust, like Lucille Ball in the pastry chef episode. So I had a bit of a chuckle and was relieved to find that the bag was secured by an undestructable twistie tie, like we use for sandwich baggies. I'm sure they charged me at least $50 for the twistie. Next dilemma--where do I store the box? Well, since it isn't a visually pleasing urn that cost over $400, I didn't really want to place the box with the address label of the mortuary on the front somewhere in plain view. Initially, I placed it on the floor of the hall closet because there was room, but then I realized I keep the quilted Northern tissue paper there, and I'm just out for the moment. Now, while Bill was especially fond of quilted toilet paper, and he especially enjoyed his reading time in the adjacent bathroom, I felt a little remiss at leaving his ashes in the same space, so I wandered from room to room trying to decide what was appropriate. Finally, I settled on his closet in the office, where I positioned the box between a bunch of bike event t-shirts. Ashes to ashes--who knew it could be so complicated!

Same time different day

Many days I pause at 9:33 for at least a few minutes because those were the last moments of Bill's life--especially on Mondays. And especially this Monday because today marks one month. Actually, Wed is the date, but Monday will always be my marker. I planned to talk with his ER doc and nurse today, but didn't have the strength. Instead, I met a friend at the dog park. Pt. Isabel is so beautiful. I can see the City, the Golden Gate, and the Marin Headlands where Bill proposed to me. It was a spectacular day! Most importantly, the dogs luuuuuv it. I had so much fun watching Willow dance with other dogs, do the play posture, find every mud puddle, and nuzzle her best friend, Piper. Even though I had to put her into the back end of my brand new car somewhat muddy and wet, I was happy that she had so much fun.

During this time I have found that for every difficult moment I need to create a positive moment. Also, it is important for me to do things and go places that Bill and I never went. I like to go places that remind me of him, too, but it is even more important that I create new associations and memories. It is working for me, anyway. Plus I spent $400 on clothes, so that always helps. Don't worry, I'm not manic and I won't be doing that regularly! Felt good, tho. And I've made some new friends that have no connection to Bill, so they are not grieving, just ready to have fun.

Last week I debated whether or not to decorate for Christmas. I had planned on buying a small fake tree last year, but never did it. We never had a tree because we were always gone for Christmas. I finally decided that to not do the tree was a sign of weakness, and to buy and decorate a tree/put lights,etc, was a sign of strength. So, everytime I look at my decorated tree, I am reminded that I am strong. It is a very good feeling, although braided with sadness and feelings of loss.

Another day down.