Many days I pause at 9:33 for at least a few minutes because those were the last moments of Bill's life--especially on Mondays. And especially this Monday because today marks one month. Actually, Wed is the date, but Monday will always be my marker. I planned to talk with his ER doc and nurse today, but didn't have the strength. Instead, I met a friend at the dog park. Pt. Isabel is so beautiful. I can see the City, the Golden Gate, and the Marin Headlands where Bill proposed to me. It was a spectacular day! Most importantly, the dogs luuuuuv it. I had so much fun watching Willow dance with other dogs, do the play posture, find every mud puddle, and nuzzle her best friend, Piper. Even though I had to put her into the back end of my brand new car somewhat muddy and wet, I was happy that she had so much fun.
During this time I have found that for every difficult moment I need to create a positive moment. Also, it is important for me to do things and go places that Bill and I never went. I like to go places that remind me of him, too, but it is even more important that I create new associations and memories. It is working for me, anyway. Plus I spent $400 on clothes, so that always helps. Don't worry, I'm not manic and I won't be doing that regularly! Felt good, tho. And I've made some new friends that have no connection to Bill, so they are not grieving, just ready to have fun.
Last week I debated whether or not to decorate for Christmas. I had planned on buying a small fake tree last year, but never did it. We never had a tree because we were always gone for Christmas. I finally decided that to not do the tree was a sign of weakness, and to buy and decorate a tree/put lights,etc, was a sign of strength. So, everytime I look at my decorated tree, I am reminded that I am strong. It is a very good feeling, although braided with sadness and feelings of loss.
Another day down.