Monday, December 04, 2006

Same time different day

Many days I pause at 9:33 for at least a few minutes because those were the last moments of Bill's life--especially on Mondays. And especially this Monday because today marks one month. Actually, Wed is the date, but Monday will always be my marker. I planned to talk with his ER doc and nurse today, but didn't have the strength. Instead, I met a friend at the dog park. Pt. Isabel is so beautiful. I can see the City, the Golden Gate, and the Marin Headlands where Bill proposed to me. It was a spectacular day! Most importantly, the dogs luuuuuv it. I had so much fun watching Willow dance with other dogs, do the play posture, find every mud puddle, and nuzzle her best friend, Piper. Even though I had to put her into the back end of my brand new car somewhat muddy and wet, I was happy that she had so much fun.

During this time I have found that for every difficult moment I need to create a positive moment. Also, it is important for me to do things and go places that Bill and I never went. I like to go places that remind me of him, too, but it is even more important that I create new associations and memories. It is working for me, anyway. Plus I spent $400 on clothes, so that always helps. Don't worry, I'm not manic and I won't be doing that regularly! Felt good, tho. And I've made some new friends that have no connection to Bill, so they are not grieving, just ready to have fun.

Last week I debated whether or not to decorate for Christmas. I had planned on buying a small fake tree last year, but never did it. We never had a tree because we were always gone for Christmas. I finally decided that to not do the tree was a sign of weakness, and to buy and decorate a tree/put lights,etc, was a sign of strength. So, everytime I look at my decorated tree, I am reminded that I am strong. It is a very good feeling, although braided with sadness and feelings of loss.

Another day down.


jay are said...

a beautiful post. thanks for sharing. sounds like you've got some really good tools for getting through the days, some good objectives and goals---doing much better than I would be.

And did you get the fun Toyota we were talking about? :) if not, what did you get?

Andi said...

I got the Toyota 4Runner--really cool, but not as cool as the FJ. Maybe in 2 years I'll trade in if it gets good ratings. Or maybe I'll be over my midlife crisis and stick with the 4runner:)

jay are said...

:) 4runner's are cool too, tho. And maybe it's quieter, so that'd be a plus.

bryan torre said...

i respect and admire your ability to be honest with yourself about what you feel and what you want. keep keeping us posted.

anya ransuns aka Roxy said...

Wow, Andi girl. Thank you for sharing these things. I love the way you have handled the tree thing. A reminder that you are strong and you want to be strong -- like a yellow Lance bracelet for the house. Glad you got your new car. What color?

SoozeSchmooze said...

Andi..I have thought of you so much! I am glad you are slowly reaching out and moving on...weird how life is that way...keeps going with or without us..
it takes a great deal of courage to grab on and try to keep up! You are impressive...always remember that!